Heartsick - September 27, 2014
I am posting this because this blog serves mainly as a chronicle of my unfolding, of interest for me to look back and witness from time to time. It is read by few people and I trust only by those who are interested in uncensored disclosure.
It is a dark time for me of anguish, pain, despair, anger, and mostly grief over what we have wrought as a species, and in that I absolutely include myself and my behaviors over an entire lifetime. Having consumed so many ideas and opinions from many directions, including my own ever changing story, I am at the point of wanting to unload and empty out.
I feel like someone with pain of the psyche, needing to sit still and yet feel a longing to be in presence with those who can be there with me in that pain. Alas, it is more like having ebola in the way it drives away company when most wanted. Or maybe what I get thrown back at me is the medicine I need .... I don't know.
When I finally asked my dear husband who was at wits end about what to do with the weeping mess that I am, to treat me like I have 5 broken ribs, he could relate to that and it feels good.
I know that this too will change and in the meantime distraction and denial are not useful so rather than fight it I will let it take it's course ... and hope that I will learn what this experience has to offer me. I just don't want to fall back asleep again.
Soul collage seems to be the expression of the moment.
It is a dark time for me of anguish, pain, despair, anger, and mostly grief over what we have wrought as a species, and in that I absolutely include myself and my behaviors over an entire lifetime. Having consumed so many ideas and opinions from many directions, including my own ever changing story, I am at the point of wanting to unload and empty out.
I feel like someone with pain of the psyche, needing to sit still and yet feel a longing to be in presence with those who can be there with me in that pain. Alas, it is more like having ebola in the way it drives away company when most wanted. Or maybe what I get thrown back at me is the medicine I need .... I don't know.
When I finally asked my dear husband who was at wits end about what to do with the weeping mess that I am, to treat me like I have 5 broken ribs, he could relate to that and it feels good.
I know that this too will change and in the meantime distraction and denial are not useful so rather than fight it I will let it take it's course ... and hope that I will learn what this experience has to offer me. I just don't want to fall back asleep again.
Soul collage seems to be the expression of the moment.
Comments